| With a Little Help from Friends |
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| Written by Terry Cassiday, Fran Goldenberg, Carol Helstrom & Tami Schneider |
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For four women, meeting in the virtual Wellness Community Support Group was more than chance and their ultimate face-to-face meeting in Chicago in June 2008 was their destiny. Terry Cassiday, Fran Goldenberg, Carol Helstrom, and Tami Schneider enjoyed all the benefits of their virtual support group, signing on every Wednesday night. “It was a place for me to talk about treatment, and openly express my concerns and fears,” says Fran, a group member since her fall 2006 ovarian cancer diagnosis. “And a place to hear how everyone else was handling similar things.” In our fast-paced global web world, a diagnosis of cancer often sends us to the internet to research treatment options, doctors, clinical trials and so much more. It is a way to connect to others, question and learn from others and reduce the isolation and hopelessness that echoes in one’s head after hearing the words, “You have cancer.” Founded in 1982, The Wellness Community is an international non-profit organization dedicated to providing free support, education and hope to people with cancer and their loved ones. Although they have over 100 locations worldwide, sometimes their best resource to connect people is online at The Virtual Wellness Community Support Group.  Terry joined the group looking for the emotional support of others. “Here I was, 44 years old, diagnosed with an incurable stage 4 cancer, follicular non-Hodgkins lymphoma, struggling with the idea of having a life threatening disease. I wanted to prepare myself for whatever might lie ahead, and I felt that talking with other cancer survivors was the best way to do that.” For Carol, diagnosed with uterine cancer and lymphoma in July 2000, the online group provided far more than expected. “I had been to support groups and really did not like them,” she explains. ”But this group was so kind, loving, caring and funny. I just loved the humor in the group.” There is laughter in it all, as well as tears and sadness, but humor is a universal healer. For Tami, there was an added benefit of talking online. “I wanted someone to communicate with - I had a tracheotomy and was unable to talk so this was a way for me to communicate with other people.” Diagnosed with Stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma in January 2005, Tami “talked” online for over 8 months with her tracheotomy. “I also wanted to know what other people were going through with cancer,” admits Tami. “I had no one to talk to about my cancer or what I was feeling. I had no one here except my husband who I couldn't have done without, but I needed more then what he could give.” All four women have strong family support behind them but turned to the online group for something more than family and friends could provide. “Nobody understands a cancer survivor like another cancer survivor,” says Terry. There is a feeling of closeness, a deep connection because of the common experiences. Even though we don’t all have the same disease, we have a great deal in common and a lot to share with one another.” There are several other members of the group with the TWC just as long and others that had travelled through it and moved on. “The group dynamics we share is quite unique,” says Fran. “I have never felt so connected to anyone. I felt the need – to make sure I met each of these brave women in person while we all had the opportunity.” Seize the Day!There was always abstract talk among the group members of meeting in person. Some had met on past occasions when travelling for business or family events. “You can’t help but want to meet the people that you feel so close to,” says Fran. “We kept on throwing out dates in the future – and something always seemed to get in the way.” Juggling family responsibilities, health issues, work and for some, ongoing treatment schedules made it difficult to commit to a date. “We finally agreed to a specific date, two months or so away, that seemed to work for most of us, and decided to make it happen even if the whole group could not be there.” “I had never gone on a trip to meet friends without my husband,” explains Tami. “I was very excited and nervous. I wanted to put faces to the names, and although I was worried about the way I looked, I knew it didn’t matter to my friends.” Terry lived in the Chicago area, which became the selected city for the others travelling from Detroit, San Francisco and New Jersey. “We have such a connection with each other,” says Carol. “I just had to meet the women I bear my soul to every Wednesday night.” Tami and Fran had never been to Chicago, so Carol, a former Chicago resident, organized the travel itinerary, checking airfares, hotel rooms and booking city tours. She e-mailed options to the group, and in a flash, the abstract meeting was to become reality. “On the plane ride there, I was amazed at how comfortable this felt, travelling to meet strangers was a little out of the box for me,” says Fran. “But there was an underlying calm, something telling me that this was just where I needed to be.” As their planes converged timely on O’Hare airport, Carol wondered, “Would they look like I imagined in my mind? What would we talk about and would we all be comfortable?” Tami’s feeding tube had recently been removed, so she was bit concerned about how she would eat in front of the others. “I was very scared about eating, but I knew deep down they wouldn’t judge me.” There were big hugs and kisses, and tears of joy as the three women found each other at the airport. Loading their luggage into the rental car with Carol at the wheel, they talked and laughed their way through midday Chicago traffic. It was as if they had known each other a lifetime and were together again to catch up. Carol sums it up. “The moment I saw the girls I knew I was with my sisters; women who have walked the same path. I knew there would be no judgment, no expectations. I felt like I had “gone home” to be with my family.” Relay for LifeThe last email received from Carol outlined the plans. “Tour guide” Carol navigated the city like a pro with the help of her GPS system, a high tech toy the girls would joke about all weekend as it failed in some spots. We were the perfect tourists - boat tours, shopping the magnificent mile, sightseeing, the Navy Pier, Millennium Park and even searching for signs of Oprah. The fact that the American Cancer Society’s Chicago Region was holding a Relay for Life event on Friday July 25 was compelling. “When I saw it on the ACS schedule I knew we had to go – it was more than a coincidence that this was happening the weekend we were travelling to Chicago,” explains Fran. “I had attended my local ACS Relay in June with family and good friends. It was so moving and emotional. I knew it had to be shared with my sisters in survival.” So we transformed from exhausted city tourists into four determined cancer survivors and found our way, with a little GPS help to the Southside Chicago Relay for Life. “The event was smaller than I anticipated,” says Fran. “The one in New Jersey was huge with bands and ceremonies, a lot going on.” However, what this event may have lacked in size, it made up for in spirit. We were so welcomed, greeted by some of the organizers and sponsors, and introduced to Regional Vice President, Jacqueline Burgess-Bishop. She was excited to hear our travel story and impressed with the energy that brought out -of- towners to this otherwise local event. We walked some laps with the group, proudly displaying our “team” banner – a hand made quilt Carol had made for Fran. We all wore t-shirts and pins that Carol and Tami had given us, saying, “Hey Cancer – You picked the wrong broad!” We took pictures and shared our story with many, danced with the sponsor’s AFLAC duck and came away knowing once again that we were exactly where we were supposed to be. Being a cancer survivor never felt so good. Good Bye ChicagoThe American Cancer Society says that there are over 9 million cancer survivors in the United States-for many of whom cancer is only a memory. The online support group can restore hope, showing you there is always hope, even if what you are hoping for changes. The timing of our meeting was critical not only because of the ACS Relay, but also just that week Terry was in the midst of testing. Her doctor suspected that her lymphoma had been advancing and she was much closer to treatment. “As it turned out, the tests revealed the disease had advanced a great deal in a few months,” say Terry. “The time spent with my friends from group was a real morale booster for me. I believe their visit was providential, and I am so grateful it could happen.” Coming away from our Chicago weekend, we know it was more than luck that made us pick that particular weekend. “Tami and I had been thinking of going in September, but I remember Fran pushing us to go NOW. Then two days after our visit Terry found out her cancer had advanced and she had to start treatments immediately,” recalls Carol. “Timing was perfect,” Tami says. ”With the things Terry was going through it was important to be with her in her time of need.” When the plan began, we did not know how critically important the timing would be. “Not only have I gotten the emotional support I was seeking, but I have found wonderful friends with whom I have a special bond that transcends time and space. Getting to meet several members of the group in person was a huge bounty and a blessing. I will always remember that wonderful weekend.” “I think the main thing that so touches me is, I didn’t feel like I was with strangers,” says Carol, expressing a sentiment that the rest of the group are quick to agree with. “We share more than what has happened to us physically. We share an emotional and spiritual connection, a connection that comes deep from the heart, deep within the soul.” All of us have found satisfaction from our initial online support group experiences. “I wondered at the outset if there would be an emotional connection, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it was much stronger than I expected, “says Terry. All would recommend online support group participation. “But there is nothing like an in person group hug,” says Fran. “One thing I have learned from my cancer experience is that time is not be wasted, it is a most valued commodity. Now is the time, NOW is the best time to do whatever makes us feel good.” What is next for the Chicago four? Each returned to their hometown, richer fuller, better able to move forward with a renewed spirit. Carol is making more quilts for cancer friends and planning her next venture, LACE (Life After Cancer Emerges), an organization to help women in business deal with a cancer diagnosis. Tami has returned to oncology volunteer work, Fran to her fundraising efforts with the Kaleidoscope of Hope and Friends of Val Foley. And Terry is progressing through her treatment protocol with flying colors. With Chicago memories to enhance relationships, we returned to our Wednesday night online support group. Terry adds, “There is a greater sense of closeness for those of us who have met in person, but the dynamics of the group online remain much the same. We are ALL there for each other.” There is rumor of plans to make the New Jersey Relay for Life in June. You can be sure there are more travel plans in the future for this on line support group. Postscript: The group will be meeting again this month at the American Cancer Society’s Freehold Relay for life June 20, 2009. |
